I’ve been pretty fortunate when it comes to my travels the last 25 years. Within the United States I’ve gone to some pretty rad cities like New York City, Minneapolis, Dallas, Seattle, Asheville, Philadelphia, and some others. International travel’s been the same, flying to Mexico, Costa Rica, Nicaragua, and El Salvador on multiple occasions for surf trips and then to other countries like the Bahamas for family vacations. Since I was a baby I’ve been flying on airplanes. Supposedly I’ve flown to Europe too, but I was just a little baby/toddler when my parents took me. I don’t remember it so I just believe my parents when they told me I’ve been there.
Traveling’s one of my favorite things to do and you think I’d be pretty good at it since I’ve been doing it for 25 years. I even thought I was good at traveling until it finally hit me this weekend when I was flying up to Rhode Island with my brother. I suck at traveling. Getting from Point A to Point B is no problem; I can do that. Actually looking like I have my shit together is a different story.
When I travel, I look like a hot mess who just can’t get it together. Sometimes it’s fun and if you’re one of the people I envy; who has it all together when they travel, but you want to look like a nutcase while you’re traveling, then keep reading.
How to be a Hot Mess While Traveling
Step 1: Overpack
You never know what you might need and when. I think that’s a hoarders motto, but the same applies here. Bring every last thing you might need and shove it into your carry-on bags. Use the “If it fits it ships” method. As long as you can cram everything into your bags then you can bring it onto the plane. When you do this you’ll be sure to hold up the line of people behind you waiting to get to their seats because you can’t shove your too big bag into the too small overhead compartment.
Step 2: Forget the rules
When you sit in an emergency exit row you typically can’t have anything sitting on your lap because your hands need to be free in case you need to assist in getting people out the door if the plane were to crash. Pretend the rules don’t apply to you and put something on your lap like your laptop. When the flight attendant comes around he/she will ask you to put it away; giving you the perfect opportunity to hold up the herd of people waiting to get to their seats as you grab your too big bag out of the too small overhead compartment.
Step 3: Walk around wide eyed
The wider you open your eyes, the sooner you’ll be able to spot your gate. That’s a fact.
Step 4: Walk fast
You’re in the airport; good. Now even though you arrived two hours early you need to book it to your gate. Walk fast and get to the gate way ahead of time just in case the plane decides to take off earlier than planned.
Step 5: Breathe heavy
Shouldn’t be a problem if you did Step 5 properly
Step 6: Adopt restless foot tapping syndrome
Even though you’re already sitting at the gate waiting for your group to be called to board stay nervous. Be nervous you won’t be able to hear your group called. Miss your calling and there’s no chance you’ll find enough space for your too big bag in the too small overhead compartment.
Step 7: Be hot
How can you be a hot mess if you’re not hot? I mean come on, it’s in the slang term.