When I was a little kid, I wanted to be a road cyclist. Not professionally, just one of those weekend warriors that were glued to their bike practically all weekend. Those thin tires, ram horn looking handlebars, and road cyclists flying on the side of the road really caught my eye and now I’ve found myself turning into one of those crazy road cyclists.
Photo: Road Cycling UK
Have you been thinking about becoming a road cyclist? Follow these steps and you’ll be riding your road bike through the Arc de Triomphe in no time.
Become obsessed with being more aerodynamic and do everything in your power to achieve being the most aerodynamic human in the world. Shave your legs, arms, head, everything. If you don’t look like a human cue ball, you’re obviously riding slower than your potential.
Invest in Lycra and lots of it. Keep it skin tight, so you’re the most aerodynamic person in the world.
Buy the most expensive bike in the bike shop and immediately start thinking of what you can do to upgrade it. Oh this derailleur online’s $250 and it’s an ounce lighter than the one that came on my $10,000 road bike…add to cart.
Wear replica national jerseys on a daily basis. More points to you if you’ve never even visited that country’s jersey you’re wearing and double the points if it’s old school. Like from the 80’s, before helmets that actually offered real protection were a thing.
Ride a century and talk about it, and how easy it was, all the time. Yeah I just rode a century this morning–I think I’m going to ride another one this afternoon.
*Perfect your own dope recipe and then claim you’re not doping. Be sure to deny all allegations of using dope when your friends say dude you’re cycling so hard, you sure you’re not doping? Who knows, maybe you’ll go on to win 7 Tour de France’s in a row, become a cycling god, and never get caught.
Blame the wind for your speed, or lack thereof.
Tinker with your bike even when it needs no tinkering. It’s fun to go out in the garage, unscrew some screws and get some grease on your hands.
Tell the world how cycling’s made your legs so swole and all your jeans are turning into skinny jeans. Looks like you don’t have to pay more for those trendy skinny jeans!
Upload all your rides to Strava and share all your awesome rides on Facebook and Twitter. Email your ride to your entire email address book while you’re at it. Only Strava, other activity trackers don’t count. If you don’t upload your ride to Strava and share it, did it really happen?
Do this and you’ll be a road cyclist in no time!
*Don’t do dope, it’s not cool or good for you. Plus you don’t want an asterisk next to your Tour de France wins.Pin It