It’s a beautiful Saturday morning, you’re out for your long run of the week and it hits you. That burrito from last night starts to wreak havoc on your insides.
There’s some pressure in your lower gut that’s not pleasant, but not painful. You want the pressure relieved and you gently begin to push and as your foot strikes the ground—the pressure’s gone.
Everything’s firing on all cylinders inside and then it hits you. What was supposed to be a release of toxic human gas turned into a release of toxic human fecal matter.
There’s not much time before this matter escalates—or worse—someone notices.
Here are some options you’ll most likely have, in no particular order:
Jump in a body of water—You’ve learned that this is a major no-no in the backcountry, but it’s a little more acceptable in this situation and it’s less likely someone’s going to use this for drinking water.
Jump in a lake, river, stream, or pond and quickly get to cleaning yourself and get out before someone notices.
Find a bathroom—Once you get over the irony of finding a bathroom after you shart in your pants, survey your options.
Start the cleanup process with what’s readily available and if you brought your phone, consider throwing your pants out, call a friend, and ask said friend to bring you a fresh pair of undies and pants. Maybe even some sanitary wipes while they’re at it.
No phone? I guess your SOL!
Hide in the bushes: Get out of sight in the bushes, take off your shart shorts and start pulling untainted thread from your shorts. Grab a bunch of leaves off the bush and start stitching yourself a loin cloth.
If a loin cloth is good enough for Tarzan, it’s good enough to get you back home.
Play “The Lost Nudist” Card—This requires you to be comfortable with yourself and the ability to tell a lie with a straight face and keep the lie going.
Strip down to your birthday suit and continue as usual. When law enforcement questions you, say you’re from the nearby nudist colony, got lost and are trying to find your way home, but would be happy to put some clothes on if you were given a set.