Neither of my parents are into backpacking, therefore I discovered backpacking on my own and started going without them suggesting I go. Since then I’ve taken backpacking on trips in the southeast, out west, and in Alaska. I love it, but that doesn’t mean you will. In fact, here are 9 reasons you should never go backpacking.
9. Animals might attack
Fact: animals are more afraid of humans. 90% or more of the time they will run away shitless from a human making it tough for humans to see some awesome wildlife, like bears. On the off chance an animal attacks you, the news will be sure to exploit the entire incident because the news is always unbiased and never tries to provide entertainment.
8. You have to wear the same clothes every day
Remember the days when you were little and wanted nothing more than to wear your favorite t-shirt or pair of underwear for like a week straight, but your parents wouldn’t let you? Backpacking is kind of like being a kid again, but instead of getting to wear the same clothes day in and day out, you have to wear those same clothes day in and day out. We all know that adulting is awesome and that reliving your childhood is a bunch of living in the past nonsense.
7. There aren’t any flush toilets
I don’t know how anyone managed to squat over a hole and do his or her business. Sitting down is so much easier, and better for your health. Those people in Asia that still squat don’t know what they’re missing.
6. Your entire day is a workout
Commuting to and from work, working 40 hours a week, spending time with the family, watching the suggested amount of 5 hours of TV a day, and somehow finding time to sleep leaves no time for a work out during the week. It’s such an exhausting schedule that you probably ought to take it easy on the weekend. Carrying everything you need on your back for miles on end is tough work, kind of like a workout, making your entire day a work out.
5. The cell phone signal might be terrible
You know how much you love getting work related calls over the weekend? And how you’re just dying to go out to the bar with your friends for the third time this month? If you don’t have your cell phone within signal range, you might miss out on getting that call from your boss asking you to come into the office at 6:57 am on a Sunday without the chance of overtime pay and dropping a couple of Benjamins at the bar with your friends and going home alone, again.
4. What if the weather sucks?
Yea, what if it does rain or snow or just blow some wind around? What are you supposed to do, keep hiking because the only way out is by foot? Thanks to rain gear and your lightning sprinting speed the last time moisture outside of the shower touched your head was while you were on the way to your Psychology 2 your sophomore year of college. Thank goodness because you need to look and feel like a million bucks all the time, even in the backcountry. And why would you ever bring rain gear? I mean where are you going, to be a deckhand on one of those crab fishing boats in Alaska?
3. You don’t have the right gear
The only tent you have is a 2 person Teton Sports tent your friend said you could borrow a sleeping bag you once bought when you toured Europe, and a backpack from that time you took a month long vacation to Thailand. You need to go out buy some brand new stuff that’ll set you back at least $2,300. Ask Lewis and Clark who set out to explore the American West, they’d recommend you buy a brand new set of gear for your weekend backpacking trip.
2. No one wants to go with you
Tent companies make single person tents for fun. No one goes backpacking alone. Tent companies just want to make those single person tents for the fun of it, even though they lose money on them every year because no one buys them because backpacking is something that has to be done with a minimum of 2.5 people.
1. You might learn that less is more
Only packing what you need? Giving up a time to go out and buy a new pair of shoes or a watch or a dope hat you’ve had your eye on for months that’ll totally fulfill your life when they all fall to the back of your closet and instead choose to carry what you absolutely need on your back for a few miles between campsites? Never.